2015 Masters Preview: Beauties, Badasses, Dickheads and Coke Lords

Beauties

Miguel Angel Jimenez: Miguel Angel Jimenez, may in fact be the biggest Boss in golf. With a ponytail that Seabiscuit is jealous of and the fact that he bent the European Tour over a barrel for 30 million in winnings last year on top of nearly 4 mil from the PGA Tour, he is what every kid should be taught about how to be a real professional athlete. Although he's a Spaniard the man sucks down Cubans like its his fucking job. When asked what his strategy for a particular round Jimenez seems to prefer the “puff puff putt” approach. Off the course Jimenez is happy as a clam, claiming "Golf is a beautiful game and it has given me a beautiful life." A beautiful life that is allegedly filled with more whores than a swingers party at Tiger's pad. He tops off this mystique be being the only player on Tour who can pull off wearing bigger Aviators then a basic bitch.The man. The Myth. The Legend Miguel Angel Jimenez, keep on truckin.

Freddy Freakin Couples: The man with a golf swing so soft and smooth “Gloves are irrelevant”. If Jimenez is the Biggest badass then Freddy is definitely the Coolest Cat on the PGA tour. So calm and happy hearted his game was Taylor made for Augusta National. Retired from The Tour, and absolutely slaying the Senior Tour, Freddy comes back and plays the Masters, and is usually in contention on Sunday. Why does Freddy come back every year? Because as 1992 Masters Champ, Freddy “Boom Boom” Couples is allowed to play in the Masters whenever he goddamn pleases that is, when he's not too busy saving children from burning buildings and trying to solve world hunger or pretty much being Jesus Christ reincarnated in a Long Driving, ice cold, clutch performing 105 million dollar golfer. In case you didn’t catch that, Yes the man is worth a casual 105 mil.

Dickheads

Adam Scott: Adam Scott, the man from the land down under, can go down on himself for all I care. As a true American, I bleed all that is Sunday "Red," high-priced-hooker-pussy "white," and the recent Major "blue" balls of Tiger Woods. As any true golf fan knows, Adam Scott is a pretty boy, Harry Styles-looking, scum of the earth, who is only somewhat relevant on the PGA tour because he spent months copying Tiger Woods golf swing from the year 2000. Not only did Adam Scott steal Tiger's swing, but he also stole his caddie, Steve Williams (a Tiger Woods book-writing sellout jabroni). Clearly I have no bias when it comes to Adam Scott, but did I mention he is also a flat out cheater? Yeah that's right, Adam (a German word meaning "I have a micro penis") is one of the few remaining golfers on tour who still anchors his "belly" putter to his mid-section. Not to get too technical but this creates an advantage because he is able to use his putter as a pendulum and this action will be deemed illegal on January 1, 2016, so have fun sucking again you curly headed, shrimp-on-da-bobby saying, kangaroo riding, virgin. If you're ever looking for a long hard laugh or some nice soft core to beat it to, check out Adam Scott's colossal collapse in the 2012 British open, where he lead Ernie Els by 4 strokes with 4 holes to play. Scott was seemingly well on his way to win his first major, but went on to bogey the final 4 holes (hahahahahahaha) to lose to the Big Easy and own the prestigious title of the WORST collapse in golf history. NSFW link:  http://youtu.be/qOzUUhX9Qr4

P.S. I would trade lives with him in a coked out Dustin Johnson heartbeat.

Tiger Woods: What is left to say. T-Woods had it all, now he’s nothing. The media has almost, I repeat almost, lost hope on El Tigre. I don’t get why ESPN still talks about Tiger. The man doesn’t win anymore, and in competitive sports you simply can’t stay relevant if you don’t win.  It has gotten to the point where his announcement to play in this years Masters is somehow a big deal.  I still don’t think people give Tiger enough shit, not nearly enough. The only compliment I will give him is that I have a new found respect for 2008-2010 Tiger. Golf is so mental, and the fact that Tiger was good at it while still being this domeless, is actually a ridiculous feat. That being said I fucking hate Tiger. And to prove it here is a definitive list of the reasons.

• He has the demeanour and personality of a serial killer. Don’t argue with me on this.
• I can’t decide which of his names I hate more Eldrick or Tiger. Eldrick is a throwaway name, a parent only names their son that if they already plan on calling them by a nickname. But the nickname his parents had in mind was fucking Tiger. That's not a name, that's a jungle cat. The name Tiger can only work for a very specific type of person, the name itself is beholden to the animal. Like if you name someone Spider, you know they are going to be like a thin, sleazy dude. Or if you name a girl Roxy she is going to be a porn-star, because The Roxy is a grimey, dirty club on the Sunset Strip. Therefore, someone named Tiger has to be big and fierce. I am so angry that Tiger’s parents were arrogant enough to assume their son would fit the traits necessary to be named Tiger when they named him that as a baby. Imagine if Tiger had wound up a nerd, nerds can’t have a name like Tiger. Which brings us to the next point.
• I hate the fact that Tiger wants to be a nerd. There is nothing worse than someone who is not smart trying to parade around like a nerd, this is true with hot girls, and it is especially true with boneheads like Tiger. Why do I say that Tiger is desperate to appear like a nerd, because he went to STANFORD.
• I hate Tiger, because he went to Stanford. I hate most things involved with Stanford the only things I like about Stanford are as follows: 1. Mr. Biss (have to put him #1 because he is my boss) 2. Mr. Biss’s Bid (she might go number 1 if Biss wasn’t my boss) 3. Dakota Johnson’s ass in this clip (who am I kidding this is the greatest Stanford-related thing I have ever seen)
• I hate Tiger Wood’s voice. His voice is the worst, it reminds me of my high school volleyball coach’s voice. It is the worst combination of slow, methodical pace, and joyless, bland cantor. If Tiger’s voice could get married it would marry Siri, and everyone who met the couple would say, “I can’t believe she married him, he’s got the personality of cardboard.”

Coke Lords

Dustin “dusty nose” Johnson: Coming in at number _ on our list is high-class badass Dustin Johnson. Johnson, a pro on the PGA tour since 2007, is commonly known for his long drives, dime-piece wife, and more recently his love for the coco. Dustin “Dusty Nose” Johnson was suspended six months from the Tour after testing positive for some good old fashioned shneef in 2014. He was also suspended for testing positive for that ‘Justin Bieber’ in 2012, but it wasn’t made public. Johnson has since come out claiming he doesn’t have a coke problem, but he is having problems with his wife’s father, Wayne Gretzky, who reportedly told the domeless golfer to “shape up.” Johnson, ranked fifth in the world, hasn’t seen his golf game suffer much since being caught sniffin’ baking soda. Given his issues off the course, it’s surprising he doesn’t spend more time in the white, powdery bunkers.

Badasses

John Daly: We have John Daly, a true American hero and proud supporter of socially questionable alcoholism. Daly’s long drives, nutty golf outfits, and general lack of giving fucks has won him both admiration and criticism in his time on the Tour. John has had his issues with gambling, alcohol abuse, and being a dickhead, all of which haven’t stopped him from inspiring the youth in America to follow their dreams and have a scotch and soda while they’re doing it. In his career, Daly won two major championships and has married four different women. Daly even has a drink named after him: an Arnold Palmer with vodka. Clearly this man represents all that is good in modern society and serves as a beacon of hope for nutmen who like to get liquored up.

"Everyone has addictions and my problem is that I have 5,000 of them. If it's not drinking, it's gambling; if it's not gambling, it's eating anything from burgers, doughnuts to M&Ms. The only addiction I don't suffer from is chasing women."

P.S. He really looks like the bad guy from "True Detective" in this photo, like a lot like that guy

Rory Mcilroy: Rory Mcilroy is the pale, common man’s badass. McIlroy is currently ranked number 1 in the world and is at the top of his game. He has soared to new heights since dumping his absolutely smoking hot professional tennis playing wife, Caroline Wozniacki. Rory’s nearly translucent skin and seemingly nice-guy attitude makes him an unlikely pick for our top 5. His dealings with bids, however, has upped his bad boy rep and has shown that he “don’t play with these hoes.” McIlroy, knowing that it’s always money before bitches, chose to focus on golf instead of his bothersome lady-friend. By showing he didn’t give a fuck bout Wozniacki’s feelings, McIlroy solidified a spot in our list of PGA tour bad boys.