2015 Masters Preview: Beauties, Badasses, Dickheads and Coke Lords

Beauties

Miguel Angel Jimenez: Miguel Angel Jimenez, may in fact be the biggest Boss in golf. With a ponytail that Seabiscuit is jealous of and the fact that he bent the European Tour over a barrel for 30 million in winnings last year on top of nearly 4 mil from the PGA Tour, he is what every kid should be taught about how to be a real professional athlete. Although he's a Spaniard the man sucks down Cubans like its his fucking job. When asked what his strategy for a particular round Jimenez seems to prefer the “puff puff putt” approach. Off the course Jimenez is happy as a clam, claiming "Golf is a beautiful game and it has given me a beautiful life." A beautiful life that is allegedly filled with more whores than a swingers party at Tiger's pad. He tops off this mystique be being the only player on Tour who can pull off wearing bigger Aviators then a basic bitch.The man. The Myth. The Legend Miguel Angel Jimenez, keep on truckin.

Freddy Freakin Couples: The man with a golf swing so soft and smooth “Gloves are irrelevant”. If Jimenez is the Biggest badass then Freddy is definitely the Coolest Cat on the PGA tour. So calm and happy hearted his game was Taylor made for Augusta National. Retired from The Tour, and absolutely slaying the Senior Tour, Freddy comes back and plays the Masters, and is usually in contention on Sunday. Why does Freddy come back every year? Because as 1992 Masters Champ, Freddy “Boom Boom” Couples is allowed to play in the Masters whenever he goddamn pleases that is, when he's not too busy saving children from burning buildings and trying to solve world hunger or pretty much being Jesus Christ reincarnated in a Long Driving, ice cold, clutch performing 105 million dollar golfer. In case you didn’t catch that, Yes the man is worth a casual 105 mil.

Dickheads

Adam Scott: Adam Scott, the man from the land down under, can go down on himself for all I care. As a true American, I bleed all that is Sunday "Red," high-priced-hooker-pussy "white," and the recent Major "blue" balls of Tiger Woods. As any true golf fan knows, Adam Scott is a pretty boy, Harry Styles-looking, scum of the earth, who is only somewhat relevant on the PGA tour because he spent months copying Tiger Woods golf swing from the year 2000. Not only did Adam Scott steal Tiger's swing, but he also stole his caddie, Steve Williams (a Tiger Woods book-writing sellout jabroni). Clearly I have no bias when it comes to Adam Scott, but did I mention he is also a flat out cheater? Yeah that's right, Adam (a German word meaning "I have a micro penis") is one of the few remaining golfers on tour who still anchors his "belly" putter to his mid-section. Not to get too technical but this creates an advantage because he is able to use his putter as a pendulum and this action will be deemed illegal on January 1, 2016, so have fun sucking again you curly headed, shrimp-on-da-bobby saying, kangaroo riding, virgin. If you're ever looking for a long hard laugh or some nice soft core to beat it to, check out Adam Scott's colossal collapse in the 2012 British open, where he lead Ernie Els by 4 strokes with 4 holes to play. Scott was seemingly well on his way to win his first major, but went on to bogey the final 4 holes (hahahahahahaha) to lose to the Big Easy and own the prestigious title of the WORST collapse in golf history. NSFW link:  http://youtu.be/qOzUUhX9Qr4

P.S. I would trade lives with him in a coked out Dustin Johnson heartbeat.

Tiger Woods: What is left to say. T-Woods had it all, now he’s nothing. The media has almost, I repeat almost, lost hope on El Tigre. I don’t get why ESPN still talks about Tiger. The man doesn’t win anymore, and in competitive sports you simply can’t stay relevant if you don’t win.  It has gotten to the point where his announcement to play in this years Masters is somehow a big deal.  I still don’t think people give Tiger enough shit, not nearly enough. The only compliment I will give him is that I have a new found respect for 2008-2010 Tiger. Golf is so mental, and the fact that Tiger was good at it while still being this domeless, is actually a ridiculous feat. That being said I fucking hate Tiger. And to prove it here is a definitive list of the reasons.

• He has the demeanour and personality of a serial killer. Don’t argue with me on this.
• I can’t decide which of his names I hate more Eldrick or Tiger. Eldrick is a throwaway name, a parent only names their son that if they already plan on calling them by a nickname. But the nickname his parents had in mind was fucking Tiger. That's not a name, that's a jungle cat. The name Tiger can only work for a very specific type of person, the name itself is beholden to the animal. Like if you name someone Spider, you know they are going to be like a thin, sleazy dude. Or if you name a girl Roxy she is going to be a porn-star, because The Roxy is a grimey, dirty club on the Sunset Strip. Therefore, someone named Tiger has to be big and fierce. I am so angry that Tiger’s parents were arrogant enough to assume their son would fit the traits necessary to be named Tiger when they named him that as a baby. Imagine if Tiger had wound up a nerd, nerds can’t have a name like Tiger. Which brings us to the next point.
• I hate the fact that Tiger wants to be a nerd. There is nothing worse than someone who is not smart trying to parade around like a nerd, this is true with hot girls, and it is especially true with boneheads like Tiger. Why do I say that Tiger is desperate to appear like a nerd, because he went to STANFORD.
• I hate Tiger, because he went to Stanford. I hate most things involved with Stanford the only things I like about Stanford are as follows: 1. Mr. Biss (have to put him #1 because he is my boss) 2. Mr. Biss’s Bid (she might go number 1 if Biss wasn’t my boss) 3. Dakota Johnson’s ass in this clip (who am I kidding this is the greatest Stanford-related thing I have ever seen)
• I hate Tiger Wood’s voice. His voice is the worst, it reminds me of my high school volleyball coach’s voice. It is the worst combination of slow, methodical pace, and joyless, bland cantor. If Tiger’s voice could get married it would marry Siri, and everyone who met the couple would say, “I can’t believe she married him, he’s got the personality of cardboard.”

Coke Lords

Dustin “dusty nose” Johnson: Coming in at number _ on our list is high-class badass Dustin Johnson. Johnson, a pro on the PGA tour since 2007, is commonly known for his long drives, dime-piece wife, and more recently his love for the coco. Dustin “Dusty Nose” Johnson was suspended six months from the Tour after testing positive for some good old fashioned shneef in 2014. He was also suspended for testing positive for that ‘Justin Bieber’ in 2012, but it wasn’t made public. Johnson has since come out claiming he doesn’t have a coke problem, but he is having problems with his wife’s father, Wayne Gretzky, who reportedly told the domeless golfer to “shape up.” Johnson, ranked fifth in the world, hasn’t seen his golf game suffer much since being caught sniffin’ baking soda. Given his issues off the course, it’s surprising he doesn’t spend more time in the white, powdery bunkers.

Badasses

John Daly: We have John Daly, a true American hero and proud supporter of socially questionable alcoholism. Daly’s long drives, nutty golf outfits, and general lack of giving fucks has won him both admiration and criticism in his time on the Tour. John has had his issues with gambling, alcohol abuse, and being a dickhead, all of which haven’t stopped him from inspiring the youth in America to follow their dreams and have a scotch and soda while they’re doing it. In his career, Daly won two major championships and has married four different women. Daly even has a drink named after him: an Arnold Palmer with vodka. Clearly this man represents all that is good in modern society and serves as a beacon of hope for nutmen who like to get liquored up.

"Everyone has addictions and my problem is that I have 5,000 of them. If it's not drinking, it's gambling; if it's not gambling, it's eating anything from burgers, doughnuts to M&Ms. The only addiction I don't suffer from is chasing women."

P.S. He really looks like the bad guy from "True Detective" in this photo, like a lot like that guy

Rory Mcilroy: Rory Mcilroy is the pale, common man’s badass. McIlroy is currently ranked number 1 in the world and is at the top of his game. He has soared to new heights since dumping his absolutely smoking hot professional tennis playing wife, Caroline Wozniacki. Rory’s nearly translucent skin and seemingly nice-guy attitude makes him an unlikely pick for our top 5. His dealings with bids, however, has upped his bad boy rep and has shown that he “don’t play with these hoes.” McIlroy, knowing that it’s always money before bitches, chose to focus on golf instead of his bothersome lady-friend. By showing he didn’t give a fuck bout Wozniacki’s feelings, McIlroy solidified a spot in our list of PGA tour bad boys.

Doc StrangeRivers or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying about the Lakers and Love the Lob

Quick Edit. Since writing this article, Warriors Coach, and worlds greatest person Steve Kerr has been attacked by Clippers Coach Doc Rivers. When you pick a fight with Steve, you are no longer someone I can root for. I love Steve and I can never root against him in any game I am watching, but it might take me some time before I can fully become a fan of a NorCal sports team. Other than that the general principals of this article still stand.

I have been a Laker fan for as long as I can remember. I am forever grateful to the Lakers for not only bringing home five championships during my lifetime, but also for making me into a huge basketball fan. Sadly it is this same love of the game that I garnered from watching Laker games that prompts me to write this next statement: I have learned to stop worrying about the Lakers and love the Clippers. As you can assertain by the image above, my last statement is an homage to Stanley Kubrick's classic dark comedy about the Cold War. In a lot of ways this film is a metaphor for the Lakers's current season. At times, watching the team can be exciting and funny; with great comedic actors like Swaggy P, Jeremy Lin and Jordan Hill, playing the roles of Peter Sellers, George C. Scott and James Earl Jones. But after the laughter ends you wind up feeling the same deep, morbid fear about the state of the franchise that Doctor Stranglove made people feel about a nuclear holocaust. It seems to me that we as Laker fans have two options: go into a Larry Sanders state of isolation, or embrace our Staples Center neighbors.

Every time I bring up the fact that I am rooting for the Clippers this season, my friends treat me like a traitor. I can see their point of view, but I don't share their animosity towards the Clips. I actually have decent memories of the Clippers. My dad loved how cheap the tickets were, and back in the day we could get great seats to see them play good teams. My dad is a big Laker fan, and we never went to see the Clippers as fans, we just wanted to see professional basketball, no matter how bad the Elton Brand-led squads were. There is something endearing about the Clippers finally getting it going. Is that so much of a crime?

 Nothing makes me angrier than when everyone asks the same question: "why would you root for the Lakers's rival?" I never understood why people think the Lakers and Clippers are rivals. Obviously I know that sharing an arena should be a source of tension, but proximity doesn't constitute a rivalry. Real rivalries are born from competition. As much as I want to google the definition of the word "rival;" that just seems like an obnoxious cop-out to a complicated question. That being said Webster's Dictionary defines the word rival as, "a person or thing that equals another in quality." Simply put, the Lakers and Clippers have never been equals. For the vast majority of their meetings the Lakers were much better than the Clippers (Officially 98-38 all-time), and now that the Clippers have been good for a couple years, the Lakers have sucked. To me the Lakers's rivals are The Spurs, Kings and Celtics, you know teams that they have played meaningful games against in the past. How can you argue that the Lakers have played meaningful games against the Clippers when the two team have never even played in the playoffs. 

Perhaps the most important reason for enjoying the Clippers right now is how much fun it is. Admit, if the Clipper's roster was on the Lakers we would all be talking about the second coming of Showtime. DeAndre Jordan and Blake Griffin are the league's best in-game dunkers, and Chris Paul is the best two-way point guard in LA since Magic. They also have the most entertaining bench guy in Jamal Crawford. Crawford is one of the few examples in the league of an actual street baller, who is legitimately given free reign of an offense for at least 10-15 minutes a game. Also very low-key, Spencer Hawes was one of the first heads on the man bun move. But the bottom line is that the Clippers have a bunch of incredibly entertaining players. That being said I will admit that Paul and Griffin have two of the most polarizing personalities in the NBA. To me they are way more fun to love than hate. Why spend your time getting angry at Paul's antics, when you can embrace his competitiveness. It feels so good to enjoy Blake's freakish athleticism guilt-free, despite the fact that the rest of the league's big men hate him. Also props to Blake for smacking Justin Bieber, which is a fact that is often forgotten by his those who assassinate his character. 

Obviously Laker fans will never forgive Stern for not allowing us to get Paul, (the possibility of a Paul-Kobe-Dwight trifecta would have been beyond great) but are we just supposed to pout for the next decade. David Stern fucked up, no one is denying that, but that shit is in the past. I choose to think about Stern's decision as analogous to the way Amy Pascal handled the Steve Jobs Biopic. Two executives with absolute power trying to salvage huge mistakes, while on their way out of their jobs. Pascal was just like, "I'm sorry about blowing up the Fincher-Bale Jobs movie, here's a Danny Boyle-Michael Fassbender thing I threw together." OF COURSE Fincher is perhaps the best director ever at tackling the not-so-distant-past biopic. YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT that Christian Bale is a genius actor, and bears a staggering resemblance to Jobs.. But at this very moment, both David Stern and Amy Pascal are sitting at home right now, thinking that their fuck ups might not be as bad as people think. Fassbender (Blake Griffin in this super obscure analogy) is young and dynamic with huge potential; and Boyle (CP3) has a proven track record of great work, but he is often left off of the list of the best at his position. Bottom line is that we can all dream of what could have been, or just celebrate the fact that Hollywood is producing relevant films, and that Staples still has relevant basketball.

My final point tends to go over the best when arguing with my friends from home. This final defense plays into most Angelenos's pride about their home city, and it is simply: "This is LA, why shouldn't we always have great basketball." We have the beach, we have the mountains, it is beautiful all year (yes this is a live link, I am confident that no matter when you click this link something good will show up). There is no reason for LA people to not have a horse in the NBA playoff race. Think of the Clippers like the LA Kings. No one gave two shits about the Kings before 2012, then they started going deep in the playoffs, and all of a sudden everyone is a fucking hockey fan. No one from LA has ever played hockey, its not really a thing at all. Low and behold in 2012, everyone is a huge hockey fan. I started hearing things like "it's actually one of the best sports to watch" and "wait, what is the blue-line again." If we can hop on board the hockey bandwagon just because we finally have a good squad, why cant we saddle up with the Clips FOR THE TIME BEING. Angelenos's aren't true fans of the Kings, the vast majority of LA people didn't care at all about the Kings when they were mediocre. AND THAT'S FINE, because that's what LA does. LA doesn't wait around for good to happen, there is always another great thing around the corner here. The Clippers are that great thing around the corner for us right now, the Clippers are Big Bear when it is raining for a couple days at the beach, the Clippers are Fat Sal's when the line is too long at In-N-Out, the Clippers are the immediate fix to our constant appetite for enjoyment.

Top 10 Most Domeless Heads in Sports Today

10. Dany Heatley: "Hot Wheels" Heatley is one of the nuttier hockey heads that has ever strapped on a pair of skates. He is an incredibly gifted hockey player who can't seem to stay out of life's penalty box. The only things that overshadow his accomplishments are his fuck-ups. The man went from "50 in '07," to killing a teammate while driving drunk. His toe-drag in the '04 All-Star Game, to a $11 million lawsuit with his agent. But honestly he isn't the craziest guy, but my buddy Hurt Bert loves him, and Hurt is the          definition of a Domeless head.


9. Nick "Swaggy P" Young: Lakers SF reinvented the definition of domelessness.  He was bequeathed a nickname not  by anyone else but is in fact self proclaimed.  Swaggy P does seem to fit well, when asked about the origins of this name he claimed "Swaggy cuz I'm Swaggy and P, baby". That explanations shows us all the root of Swaggy P. To top if off Swaggy also dates Iggy Izalea and is very vocal about his affections toward her ass. Beloved in Lakerland for his known spurts of extreme scoring there is nothing about Swaggy's persona that isn't extreme in one way or another.

8. Marshawn Lynch : Not only is Marshawn domeless this guy is straight up incoherent. I don't think Marshawn's refusal to talk to the media is a statement about anything else other than the fact that he's simply too domeless to even have a human conversation. His responses are so nutty that the media has a field day every time his mouth gets within spitting distance of a microphone. Top that with that fact that the man went grand theft auto on a golf cart and has a strange obsession with skittles you truly have a unique product.

7.  Floyd Mayweather Jr.: Unquestionably the greatest boxer of his generation, and unquestionably the dumbest self-made millionaire of all time. He has never lost in the ring, but did lose over $100 million dollars in 2007 when he reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Mayweather is the most lavish head on planet earth. He has three Bugatti's each worth two million dollars; they are pretty much the same car. Recently Floyd gave away a million dollars to a random person for liking and sharing his Facebook post. Mayweather has no clue what taxes are, and he surrounds himself with some of the worst financial planners of all time. The man will be dead or broke in ten years.

6.  Kurt Busch: 2004 Cup Series World champion Kurt Busch, after being accused of domestic violence used one of the more creative and domeless defeneses I've heard to date. Kurt Busch claimed his girlfriend Patricia Driscoll was actually a covert assassian and forced used against her was self defense. Kurt states, "Driscoll is an assassin for the U.S. government who would go on covert missions around the world." On top of that he says Driscoll claimed a character in the movie " Zero Dark Thirty" was bas based on her and other women." Ok, Kurt lets get this straight your girlfriend not only is a CIA assassin for the U.S. government but also is a part of Seal Team Six?? This may be the single handed worse defense to domestic violence ever, whoever Mr. Busch's lawyer needs to give back all fees because his legal advice is worse than Gary Buseys. 

5. Zach Follet: The only NFL player in history to blame an idiotic comment in the media as a by product of Satan working through him... Are you kidding me? After claiming that Matthew Stafford was "A China doll, anytime he's hit he goes down" and receiving quite a bit of backlash for it, tried to back track by claiming, "God showed me how Satan can take a little thing and twist it...I laugh, because God let me see that it was Satan." Thanks for the quick biblical lesson Zach, here's a tip for you, find your dome you may need it before you get in front of a microphone again. (Follet was release shortly after his comments) Not to mention he considers himself the next Slim Shady, releasing this rap video because he quote, "Lives near 8 mile."

4. Rene Higuita:  Nicknamed "El Loco" Rene  shows us why his nickname is so fitting through some of the more domeless actions you could expect out of a 45 year old Colombian goalkeeper. Higuita, a Rick James looking fool,  is known for his extremely aggressive goal keeping style where he will take the ball upfield an unsafe distance in order to try and be more dynamic and troublesome to the defense. This frequently blows up in his face when the ball gets stolen and finds himself woefully out of position. "El Loco" has had his share of off the field problems like many of our domeless athletes tend to have. In 1993 Higuita was arrested in a suspected kidnapping of an 11 year old girl where he served a 7 month prison sentence which he still claims his innocence over. Perhaps the most domeless thing Rene is known for is his creation of the "Scorpion Kick" which honestly you just have to see for yourself.



3. Nyger "Tony Plush" Morgan: The only man in MLB history to record a 4 base error and then blame the play on phantom whistles.
Morgan began his athletic career as a hockey player reaching the junior "B' level with the Regina Pats of the WHL. He reached the majors in 2007 with the Pirates. This spot on our list isn't just for Nyger though, He shares it with his buddy  "Tony Plush" an alternate personality of his. Nyger claims that Tony Plush doesn't hit the ball but rather "tickles" it off the bat, and apparently he doesn't care for talking in post game interviews because Tony Plush has been known to leave in the middle.



2. Wes Welker: Wes Welker must have been doing his best Trinidad James impersonation  at the Kentucky Derby. That's the only way to explain the fact that he showed up the Kentucky Derby popping molly like Flinstone Vitamins. The spectacle he put on at the Derby was instantly more impressive then any of his on the field accolades. From tossing around cash like he was at a Vegas strip club, to stumbling around like a straight fool its easily one of the more humor sports related meltdowns in recent years. He also cracked some humes at Rex Ryan's expense when he mentioned feet 11 times in a press conference before the Pats played the Jets in the playoffs. This stunt cost him; and Belichick benched him to start the game. If you aren't familiar with coach Rex's foot fetish then you should check out just how worthy this move was.

1. Pete Webber: The only thing spiraling sideways faster than his ball, is his life. Webber is one of the greatest bowlers of all time, and perhaps the most domeless athlete of all time. In 1985, he admitted to Sports Illustrated that he spent several weeks during the tour in a "complete blackout." Despite his numerous bouts with Jack Daniels and cocaine, Pete or "P.D.W" has experienced extremely prolonged success. He won his 10 P.B.A titles over an incredible 4 decade span. He is known for his trademark side spin, simply put "no other bowler has half the spin as P.D.W." He also has many humor superstitions including not allowing his wife to wear red during his competitions.